过了十天才写2017年的第一篇博客

因为过年的时候在中国，需要翻墙才可以开blogger

懒的翻墙就没写了。

呆在广州整整14天，感觉非常充实。

我真的好喜欢旅行的感觉，走在陌生周围的路上，随时有种每下一秒都会有惊喜的错觉
特兴奋。

看了很多新东西吃了很多东西也见了想见的人

博物馆里的各种化石、中国大学生活、超大图书馆、雄伟广州小蛮腰、热闹小食街、各种寺庙、原是英法租界内的沙面公园、白云山、华南植物园等等等等。

这一切的一切，为我的2016年画上了完美的句点。

虽然说原本的澳大利亚旅程没去成，但至少不至于颓废卧在家里。

一月二号那天收到考试成绩报表

如愿的拿到了之前设下的GPA超过3.8的目标 

3.93，还高了一点点

挺遗憾就差一科就能拿下满分

没办法，只能下个学期再努力。

简单列一下2017年愿望/目标/to-do

-努力学习 preview+review!!!

-坚持健身

-买一台钢琴

-旅行

-to be a better me 

有些人活着，但他已经死了。

有些人死了，但他还活着。

加油，妈妈。

很好 睡前听了首The Furey and Davey Arthur 的 Absent Friends 

今天准备失眠了 希望明天的效率不会影响太大

当曲子唱到副歌部分的时候 眼泪情不自禁挣扎腾出眼眶

这首歌的每一句歌词 每一个曲调 都让我脑海里涌出各个画面

想当时 每当有过节回接待外婆家的时候 

每个晚上聊天喝酒之后 就会和接待外公一起弹唱这一首歌

接待外公手握吉他 我负责钢琴乱配音 再加上接待爸爸的笛子

接待妈妈和外婆和我们一起欢唱 一切的一切 

当时是多么无虑快乐 是多么的从容不迫

从万圣节、圣诞节、复活节等到我离开比利时前的那一天 依然如此清晰

这时我心里又开始感觉特别烦躁 矛盾

回马之后的大学生活 到现在我才发现我其实一点也不快乐

从一开始面对重新适应的压抑 到后来的假装无所谓

而现在是努力把自己逼忙 逼自己生活必需充实 让自己不空闲 

每一天学习时间基本超过6小时 隔天健身一次 周末不停歇

都是因为当我一空闲下来就会觉得很难受

这样的生活持续了近三个月 但我真的不快乐 

我追求的并不是这样的饱满感

而是周末能出去走走 看看不一样的东西 不只是活在所谓的框框里

但是在这里 交通不方便 也没有地方可以走走看看

我感觉自己快疯了 真的

说白了人生活着不就是为了开心快乐吗

虽然说现实很重要

但是现实不也是为了追求达到某个能力从而让自己快乐吗

我其实很疑惑 我做的选择是否是对的 

我是否应该再次作出大胆的决定 追求真正能使我开心快乐的东西

辅导老师说  

生活中总有人让你牵挂 也会有人牵挂着你

不管是让人牵挂 还是牵挂别人

有一个人牵挂着是幸福的，在心中牵挂着一个人是幸运的

牵挂令人失望，又让人充满希望，让心中有了美丽的幻想

比如说前阵子我姐和我说你在半夜的时候 

做梦喊了：“我可以自己买机票回比利时！不拖累你们任何人！”

是的 连我自己也无法想象我是有多么迫切的想回去 

其实不是地方 而是生活方式

我知道我不是孩子 但是我却渴望孩子的快乐

我不知道

和我同龄的伙伴们都快上本科了 只有我才拥有现在所谓的初体验

和我同个course同班的人大多数都是比我小一到两年 

所幸的是和他们还没什么代沟 只是有时候会渴望可以有中学时的朋友陪伴

这个学期拿了5个科目，所有的课基本都接触了

有的教授的效率感觉不是很好 但还是希望自己能够撑下去

随时随地告诉和提醒自己上星期写过的to-do-list

－绝对不能把作业拖延推迟

－课前先预习，然后听课，到最后的复习

－除了要学习学术外，也要学习各种soft skills

－积极参与学校的活动

－上coursera听听课 找出自己真正的兴趣强项

－每天学习英语打卡准备雅思

－随时aiming CGPA在3.8以上 

话说上了两节的英语和数学课根本感觉像在上小学(?)

最后还是希望接下来人生的new chapter能够像以往一样精彩 甚至是更精彩。

戴嘉慜 加油。

人一旦失去了依靠，就没有不独立的理由。

标题从荷兰语翻译过来就是the readjust。
现在才发现我回到马来西亚竟然已经一个月了
之前说好回来就要努力收拾心情 准备入读大学
但是一切还是一样
每天都想着回去比利时、挂念比利时的一切
也受够了这里的indolent weather，
但是能怎样 还是需要慢慢的接受。

比利时与马来西亚生活的模式是完全相反
在这里感觉天天除了呆在家就没有其他事情可做了
上个星期才因为真的呆不下去了而跑去了槟城找jiami
十分感谢她爸爸的热情与招待 重点还在于她爸爸特地为了我们而请了假
去的那4天给他们家填了不少麻烦 真是惭愧

下周开始的plan就排的挺密
16、17、18、19要参加大学的迎新生活营
20、21要参加afs的post exchange camp
22号开课。
好紧张

加油。

作为一位交换生，实在需要身兼N职，上课、旅行、生活及向马来西亚的朋友交代你这一年里到底干了什么学了什么。

时隔300多个日日夜夜，又从比利时回马，反而对马来西亚有更深的体会。

有一种恍如隔世的感觉，当飞机起飞和降落的时候，那些记忆中的点点滴滴都汇集到了一起，每一份记忆都是那么清晰，感动，兴奋，温馨，激动。

比利时，在我眼里已经不再是一个欧洲小国那么简单，因为它承载着我许许多多的回忆、留恋和梦想。

这让我从心底深刻的觉得，无论我付出多少代价都是值得的。

我想写的感受太多了，也许几天几夜也说不完。

如果有人说，你去外面待了一年，一定就是各种玩了吧？看你经常到处旅游，去品尝美食，去度假休闲真好啊。

对不起，我们还没有自由到，整天都可以不学习想去哪玩就去哪玩，那么无拘无束，无忧无虑。

如果有人说，你去外面待了一年，中文一定变差了吧？

拜托我的母语是中文怎么可能那么容易变差。

如果有人说，你去外面待了一年，那么凉爽的天气，回到马来西亚之后是怎么样的一个感受？

是的，你无法想象一下飞机就流汗的狼狈。

在还没有当交换生之前，以为交换生就是去把自己国家的文化推广出去让更多的外国人了解自己国家，同时也学习别人国家的文化风情。

到后来才发现我错了。

交换生所交换的不单单只是文化、而还有自己。

我似乎把自己也换成了另一个人。

自己的想法、要求、和看世界的方式也会有所改变。

如果让我说，这一年我究竟交换到了什么，我会说

独特的经历、不一样的心智和独立的生活能力。

独特的经历

我知道当我以后老了，回头审视自己的一生。这短短的一年，有可能不是最浓墨重彩的一笔，但却是最独一无二的。这一年认识了很多人，去了很多地方，感受了很多美好，体验了很多幸福。他们都是最最限量版的，我将一直用心珍藏。

这一年，认识了很多朋友，中国的交换生、西班牙的、阿根廷的、泰国的意大利的、甚至是埃及的，还有在根特留学的师兄师姐一起聚餐一起玩的。你只有真正接触了，才知道每个国家人的性格真的不一样。泰国的学生爱玩爱闹，善良天真。中国的学生严谨上进，刻苦好学。西班牙意大利的，散漫追求浪漫，永远带着微笑。阿根廷的非常热情，特别喜欢参加热闹派对。其实接触不同文化背景的人，是了解一个国家特质最直接方便的途径。

学习：刚来的时候，语言的障碍真的特别大。上课老师说的基本听不懂，小组讨论不知道怎么开口发表意见，Presentaion习惯性的念稿。语言障碍就是一切障碍的根源。还好我第一个遇到的TEAM人都特别特别好，他们没有嫌我荷兰语不好，而一直鼓励我，帮助我，所有的事情都及时给我反馈意见，指导我哪里能做得更好。我就慢慢有了信心，能跟上外国学习的节奏和模式了。就是小组会和presentation是主旋律，你要习惯去参与，而不是只是像在马来西亚，上课坐那就可以玩手机走神睡觉了。

旅行：根特—布鲁日—布鲁塞尔—安特卫普—奥斯坦德—迪南—那慕尔—哈瑟尔特—迪南—列日—梅赫伦—鲁文—图尔奈—科隆—里尔—鹿特丹—柏林—里斯本—布拉格—阿姆斯特丹—库肯霍夫—亚琛，从比利时走到法国、德国、荷兰、再到葡萄牙捷克。

这些坐标都将刻在我人生小小的地图上。

这一年真的走了不少的地方。但反而走得越多，越觉得自己想去的地方越多。有时候并不明确下一个目的地是哪，会带着怎样的信仰和心情出发，但就是会不顾一切的上路，去让自己见到更多的美景，感受更不一样的生活。

生活与旅行的最大不同处就是旅行会让你拥有更细腻和丰富的感受去看世界，如果我没有离开家，就永远不会知道外面的人怎样去生活，就不知道原来人可以这样生活：每天下午两三点在街边喝啤酒、躺在草地上看书、坐在湖边晒太阳……我那些细微的感动和敏感的神经经常会莫名地跟着他们跳动，带上寻求美的眼睛和一颗勇敢的心，就觉得自己拥有了整个世界。所以我宁可做细水长流看平常风景的异乡人，也不愿做匆忙拍照的游客。很多时候，在旅途中，我宁可选择录像而不是照相，我会对着镜头自己碎碎念，而不是“咔嚓咔嚓”只是盲目的留下一些没有感情的照片。尽管美景很惊艳，但那终究是他乡的，你是永远带不走。能带走的是你对它的认知和当时自己独有的心情。

这一年，我学会了旅行，而不是旅游。那些无可名状的精度和纬度组成的坐标点见证了我心灵的成长。离开熟悉的地方，走在陌生的街道上，看着陌生的面孔和景色，那种新鲜感和兴奋，只有你在路上，你才知道。

爱上在路上的感觉，只有不停地走，不停地感受世界的不同，才有最真实的存在感，才有更谦卑的态度和更豁达的心智。

不一样的心智

这个社会现在速度太快，我们都忘了怎么放慢脚步，怎么去和自己内心对话。

去了国外你才知道，28、29岁的读本科的大有人在，不是因为他们不上进一直读不出来，而是人家上了两年大学，觉得没劲，环游世界去了。玩完了人家回国，还是觉得学习没劲，然后就拿着高中文凭找一个自己喜欢的工作干干，干了两年觉得自己该充电了，就继续回学校上学去了。这在亚洲人眼里会自己想，都快30的人了，还是一事无成，没结婚没攒够钱买车买房，还在读本科？这人怎么这么不求上进？怎么这么没出息？怎么这么丢人现眼？

但是这些想法，就是一种亚洲人约定俗成的墨守陈规。好像理应人人的生活轨迹都一样，所有人都应该按着大家觉得的理所应当去生活，如果不这样就是不正常，就给家长丢人了，就被亲戚朋友指责了。但是人到底活着为了什么？说白了，我们为的就是面子。就是家长和周围环境无形给我们画好了框框架架，出了这个框框架架，我们就给家长丢了面子、就是异类、就丢人现眼、就理应被打倒和指责。现在想想这种想法多可笑。我们早已经不知道自己想要什么样的生活了，早已经没有理想没有人生目标。

认真去想想，人的一生最美好的岁月是什么时候？就是18-28岁。这最美好的10年，马来西亚的学生在干吗？在上大学虚度时光，面对一张张试卷assignments，在一次次的ielts英语考试中越挫越勇，在考会计证、律师证，考一堆自己都不知道到底什么什么狗屁玩意的证书。为什么要上大学？因为从小爸妈就教育我要上大学啊！为什么要读master读phd？因为读才能找到好工作啊！为什么要考这些证？因为身边的同学都在考啊！这些是什么答案，有因果联系么，有逻辑么，有道理么。不管你疑不疑惑，反正我真的很疑惑。

而女生20-30岁更短暂，10年就要完成学业，找到稳定的工作，结婚生子，这么想想不觉得很可怕么。只有10年啊，姐妹们，30以后的生活基本每天都一样了，半天上班工作累得半死，晚上洗衣服做饭看电视，整天围着老公孩子转悠。你哪还有自己大把的时间和姐妹们狂聊，哪还可能背上书包给自己一个说走就走的旅行，哪还可能抹着指甲油扶着面膜哼着小曲去享受自己独处的时光？你每天都被家里的琐事牵绊，被工作的压力束缚。你现在不抓紧时间去旅行，去看书，去交朋友，去吃美食，你等着30岁以后吗？

当时我妈就和我说：“妈妈最大的心愿，不是你以后能挣多少钱，有什么样的生活，只要你能健康快乐，你能比任何人都安康。只要你做的选择让自己快乐，妈妈就支持你”。在我爸爸反对的时候妈妈依然支持我，努力帮我说服爸爸。我真的很感谢我的妈妈，她对我无尽的包容和满满的爱。因此，这一年，我做的所有选择都只遵循一个原则问自己，就是：你快乐吗？你真的快乐吗？

独立的生活能力

原来我从来没想过自己也能做一桌子的饭餐，从小到大一直被爸妈捧在手心里，只有我心情很好的时候才会主动参与一下做饭之类的工作。但是到了新的地方，没有人会再照顾你的日常起居，会给你按时做饭送水果，会提醒你感冒吃药喝凉茶。一切的一切，只有你自己。

我开始学会逛超市，去比较价格，开始关注促销活动。由于在比利时他们吃的食物都不怎么和我的胃口，去亚洲餐馆吃一餐不好吃又不划算，所以开始在网上看菜谱，尝试自己做饭，随随便便也能几菜一汤的弄一桌子了。我开始自己拿起刀刀叉叉经过几次试验的失败，终于能做出很美味的食物。我开始按时刷新天气预报，以免第二天临时的降温自己会冻感冒。我开始自己会照顾自己，自己会干很多事情。

这一年我学会了独处，我并不觉得一个人旅行，一个人生活，一个人给自己拍照是件很悲伤的事情。反而更能够让自己独立起来，学会不受外界干扰，尽全力令自己快乐。

原本每天上脸书、instagram分享照片、沉迷于游戏、刷微信朋友圈一挂就一天。现在游戏被我删了，脸书几天才上一下，随便看两页新鲜事就下了。现在回想，很多传照片发状态的初衷就是渴望被关注，几十几百条的评论总能让我有一丝的爽感，这还真是虚荣心在作祟。但是现在，我只在微信上活动，那里都是我最熟的朋友。我每天更新点小心情，传点小照片。我的喜怒哀乐只愿与那些最亲密的人分享。其它不熟的人，不想他们来参与我的生活。普通朋友再多的评论，也抵不上你在乎的人只给你发一个笑脸的表情。

因为时差，经常大家已进入梦乡，正是我们的夜晚时光。以前总是可以和大家各种聊天，各种八卦，但是这一年我不得不接受朋友家人都已睡觉，不能陪我聊天的事实。经常一个人弹弹琴看看书，度过一个一个夜晚，自得其乐。其实我一直都不是一个怕寂寞的人，甚至有时候我享受一个人独处的时光。不被任何人打扰，安静惬意的午后或者夜晚，一杯热可可、播放yiruma的琴曲、小呆那么一发，舒服死了。

人的独立性取决于你依赖他人的程度，独立性越低越容易受他人左右。我愈发的独立，因此才愈发的有自己的主见。不管别人怎么说，自己的感受才是最真实正确的。 无论别人怎么看，我绝不打乱自己的节奏。Do what you love, fuck the rest.

后记：交换生一年，感谢它给与我时间去思考。如今，浮躁的理由太多，思考的时间太少，我们不停地在走走走，在追追追。我们不能安静下来，总有人在你身边影响你的步伐，总有人让你不知道自己想走的轨道到底是哪条。

可是，亲爱的，你为什么不能为自己活一次？去放肆地，去热血地过你的青春岁月？ 

交换生一年，感谢它给予我不同的感受。他们一针针一线线编制成了我最完美的18岁。我学会沉下心来，去阅读，去经历。不害怕走弯路，不害怕失败，不害怕成功可能还很遥远。我只想按照自己的脚步向前走，不是因为别人休学了去旅行所以你也要去旅行，不是因为大家都在出国所以你也非要出走国门。不去管别人的看法，用力去生活，用心去经历，才能有丰富而有厚度的人生。

交换生一年，感谢它给予我勇气去做梦。尽管前途茫茫，但我知道我的人生一定会很精彩。不追求荣华富贵，不追求功成名就，只追求在自己的小世界里我的脚步不会停下来。只要不后退，再慢的前进也是前进，再多的挫折也不该是我们努力的终结点。去相信，自己可以，明天会更好，你的明天才真的会更好。

－“阳光下灿烂，风雨中奔跑，做自己的梦，走自己的路。”－——三毛

I came back around 1 week ago but yet I still feel so depressed.

I am dealing with reverse culture shock they said.

I hardly describe my feeling. I made a video about my thoughts,

because I am really tired of explaining my feelings and why I will feel that way to people again and again.

When I first realised that I wanted to go on exchange, I immersed myself in research. First, I frantically read about all the countries I was interested in going to. At that point I had two requirements, I wanted to go to Europe and I wanted to learn a new language. I chose France but I was too old to go there and I had only two options: Belgium or not to go. At the time, I didn’t know much about Belgium other than stereotypes, including beer drinking as well as the chocolates and french fries. The next few months were spent convincing my parents about all the reasons why it would be beneficial for me to participate in an exchange year. I scoured the internet for blogs where they could read about how fast other exchange students learned the language, immersed themselves in the culture, and what the benefits of an exchange were for them later in life. I guess you could say that I was obsessed with reading about other people’s experiences.

When it was time to fly to Belgium I was buzzing with excitement. I couldn’t wait to meet my new family and see my new home. Although I was excited, I wasn’t nervous. I had read in other exchange student’s blogs how you should have no expectations about your host country or family. I tried really hard not to expect anything, or have any ideas or plans on how my exchange year should be. I was completely open to new experiences. This lack of expectation for my exchange year helped with my nerves, and I think really helped me fit into with my host family and the country.

Now I’m already 10 months into my exchange. I’ve made myself a life in Belgium with a new friend group, family, language, and culture. One of my biggest obstacles in my exchange year was the language. At the beginning, I was so frustrated with myself because I wanted to speak and understand Dutch so badly, and I felt as if I wasn’t learning it quickly enough. I made a lot of effort and  now, I understand almost everything, and while I still have problems with grammar I can speak my mind. Overcoming the language barrier was the last obstacle for me in feeling at home in Belgium.

The last few months here have been amazing, I’ve really settled into my life. Sadly, however, it´s all slowly coming to an end. Two days later I will fly back to Malaysia. And I’m honestly so afraid. I feel like I’ve forgotten how my life was in Malaysia, and what my friends and family are like. I’ve forgotten how I act around my friends and family and feel like I’ve changed so much since coming to Belgium that people in Malaysia may not recognise me anymore. I have so many expectations for what life will be like again in Malaysia, how my friends will act, and how the food will taste, that even though I’ve lived in Malaysia for my entire life I still am afraid for what awaits me at home.

This exchange year has been wonderful and I would gladly repeat the experience. It has taught me a lot about the power of expectations and how they can affect a person’s life and ability to start from scratch all over again. Hopefully, everyone can learn about the power of expectations from my adventure in Belgium.

最近的心情很奇怪 

感觉很矛盾又很agonizing。

早前跟妈妈透露了自己对以后生活的想法 

关于没打算之后会在马来西亚发展和希望可以到美国念书做工

所以也意味着我想嫁异地的念头 

这个时候妈妈却和我说她希望她的孩子能不要走的太远

想要可以简简单单的gather在一起吃饭 

这个时候我被她的句子顿了一下

我也真的想要妈妈能在我身边 

但是自己却真的有那种想追求自己的梦想的冲动

如果我回去以后直接选读AUP

那就代表我九成要到美国去 

但是要是读了AUP而不去美国 也就代表我白读几年的书

下个月要回国了 也要做出该不该读AUP的决定

stress。

“Man cannot discover new oceans unless he has the courage to lose sight of the shore.”- Andre Gide

We, as humans, get scared easily once we are taken out of our comfort zone, even the most adventurous ones. Getting into the unknown terrifies us. Our minds get filled up with a bunch of “what ifs” that most of the times stop us from doing something we really want to do. We are used to the easy stuff. The least we have to work to get something the better. But that is not really our fault. Society taught us that. We live in a world where shortcuts are allowed. Where the people that get to the top by simple and random luck are more known than the ones that work hard every day of their lives to achieve their goals. This goes to the hard workers, to the ones that don’t let their fear stop them from getting where they want.

August 21st from this past year, I left Malaysia for Belgium. I packed my life in a suitcase and I left. It was easy at first, because it looked like I was only leaving for a few weeks. It was easy because something inside me was telling me that I would not really miss anything nor anyone. But that part of me was mistaken.

One of the most exciting parts of an exchange year is when you get the information about your going-to-be host family. You have been waiting for months to know where are you going to be living for the next school year, to know who are you going to share your experience with. And it finally comes. You wake up and you see the e-mail that is going to change your life. That is it. Now you know you are leaving for sure. You cannot stop thinking about how everything is going to be like. You try to look for as much information as you can get. And the day of your departure comes, and you have to leave. Leave your family, leave your friends, leave everything for a year. The only detail you are missing is that your life there will not stop just because you are not there. Your friends will do their own thing, your family will live without you for a year. Everything will change while you are on the other side of the world trying to start a new life that you will have to leave after a year.

There is something that I have been asking myself lately and that I can’t stop thinking about. What is easier, to leave the life that I had been building for the past 18 years of my life, or to create a new life in a year and to have to leave it forever?

It is the bitter-sweetness at the end of the year that really tells you that even though it was not easy, you made it, and the feeling that you get is awesome. At some times you may cry, thinking about how fast the year went by and how much you are going to miss everyone, but you feel happy and excited to go back to what you left behind the last year.

Ghent has been my home for this past nine months, and I can’t think of a better place to spend an exchange year. There is something about the people in this city that really makes it feel like home.

I thought that everything would be easy, and that all that the experienced kids from the past years told me about missing home and missing your family, would not happen to me. But let me tell you something… it did, and it was hard. When things do not go as well as you expected them to go, you suddenly just want to hide under the bed and wait for somebody to fix it for you. And that is the problem. You do not have anyone to fix things for you and you have to learn all of a sudden to fix them by yourself. Nobody gave me instructions on what to do when you do not really get along with your host family. I thought that if that happened my organization would tell my host family what I was feeling and I would be able to move on. But of course, it was not that easy. After few months living with the host family that chose me I felt that things were not working out. Every day I felt more distant to them, and I did not know what to do. When this happens, the best to do is communicate, to tell them what are you feeling and what you don’t like, but I did not know what to do. How do you tell somebody you barely know that you don’t like their life style? That you are having a hard time adjusting? And that you don’t like how they are? That went against all the manners that my parents raised me with. I could not do that. So I thought that my organization would help me solve the problem. That did not happen either. They did not give me any solutions. I was down during all those days, and I did not know what to do. I was really unhappy with what was going on, and also frustrated that things were not going as wonderfully as all that I was expecting and that I had been dreaming of. I realized I did not have my mum close to give me the comfort and to help me through. I could only play piano to express myself. I realized that I had to start growing up without her by my side. She would not be there my whole life to solve my problems for me.

While all that was going on, I met the other exchange student. She was a really nice girl, and at the end she became one of my best friends that helped me throughout my experience. She did everything that was in her hands to make me feel better.

It was really hard at first, but it was worth it. I ended up having the feel that I would not know how to live without them. Thanks to them I have been able to enjoy every minute of this experience. They have helped me grow and they gave me shelter when I needed it. And I can not be thankful enough for all that they have done. They have become an important part of my life.

I just want people to know that this can happen. And that it is nobody’s fault if you do not get along with your host family. Sometimes personalities are made to collide, and you can’t do anything about it. In these moments is when you can feel homesick, but no matter what, at the end everything is going to be alright. If it is not alright in the end, it's not the end. I am positive this taught me a lesson that I won’t ever forget.

It is now that I am able to see the whole picture that I can proudly say that this year was by far one of the best of my life so far. I recommend this to anybody. Doing an exchange year you learn a lot of things that you would not be able to learn while you are sitting in a classroom in your home country. Plus you learn to communicate in a different language.

I have been through a lot of bad situations, but not everything about it is bad. Of course not. At the end, all the hard work and all the things that did not go as planned are paid off. You will go home with unbreakable friendships and memories hard to replace. And probably you find yourself debating because you no longer know where your home is since when you left your exchange country a part of your heart stayed there, but that is not always a bad thing.

Now I understand Andre Gide’s quote. I left sight of the shore to discover a new ocean. And that was the best thing I could have ever done. I can’t imagine my life without all the amazing people that I have met and all the amazing places I have visited. Now I can’t wait to know what destiny has planned for me.

I have walked through many lives,

some of them my own,

and I am not who I was,

though some principle of being abides,

from which I struggle not to stray.

When I look behind,

as I am compelled to look before I can gather strength to proceed on my journey,

I see the milestones dwindling toward the horizon and the slow fires trailing from the abandoned camp-sites, over which the scavenger angels wheel on heavy wings.

Oh, I have made myself a tribe out of my true affections,

and my tribe is scattered!

How shall the heart be reconciled to its feast of losses?

In a rising wind,

the manic dust of my friends,

those who fell along the way,

bitterly stings my face.

Yet I turn.

I turn,

exulting somewhat,

with my will intact to go wherever I need to go,

and every stone on the road precious to me.

In my darkest night,

when the moon was covered and I roamed through the wreckage,

a nimbus-clouded voice directed me:

-Live in the layers, not on the litter-

Though I lack the art to decipher it,

I am not done with my changes.